Qabool Hai? Horrors Behind the Rishta Culture of Pakistan

Reading Time : 4 minutes

Trigger Warning: Toxic Rishta Culture, Manipulation of Consent, Colorism
The data for the following article is a compilation of 50+ experiences of women around me. They’re private and personal, therefore please respect the anonymity of their experiences. Thankyou!

Weddings in Pakistan are often seen as a cause of celebration. Additionally, our culture very strongly supports the idea of long-lasting marriages. Traditionally, most marriages are arranged, or semi-arranged, by the family of the bride and groom. Tradition dictates that the bride receives a marriage proposal i.e. a rishta from the family of the groom. Following which the wedding takes place. Though the process seems quite simple, here are some horrors behind the rishta culture:

Consent?

Part of the horrors stem from the chivalrous act of the man’s family choosing an appropriate woman to join their family. This results in most families not even bothering to ask the consent of the woman beforehand. Therefore, the details of the girls education, future prospects, pictures and in some cases, her ethnicity, skin colour and weight are all circulated without her consent. If the girl refuses to be a part of the process, then she is often a victim of emotional manipulation, blackmailing, and societal pressures.

“I once got a rishta to which I promptly said NO. My parents still called them over and yelled at me to be quiet.
Later, while they did not like him either, they broke my trust… that in the end, it would never be my choice.”

An example of questionable consent in the rishta culture.

Girl or Game: Both Please!

After the initial approval of the girl, a meeting is usually set between the two families. This is often to see what the girl is like in person, where traditionally she is often asked to serve tea during which her whole body language is noted. In some experiences, the girl is asked to walk around the room for the groom’s family to see her walk, therefore paraded around like an animal. Science is completely dismissed in such moments, as the cause of this walk is to determine whether or not she is a virgin.

I’m guessing even game would be treated better if it were subject to matchmaking.

Fair & Lovely.

The biggest horror, that hits home based on my physical appearance, is the colourism in the rishta process. Given the climate within our region, it’s only natural that most people around us are not light-skinned. However, in this society of “Fair & Lovely” – oh sorry, Glow & Lovely (as if that made much of a difference), fairness is equated to beauty.

The colourism is so extreme that when subject to matchmaking, women are often given (unsolicited) advice on whitening their skin tones. Furthermore, they are explicitly told that they are not good enough, and slipped in phone numbers of questionable “skin whitening” doctors.

“Besan, lemon and honey mask tou aap sab try karein agar apka rishta nai horaha!”

Some unsolicited advice from a rishta aunty. As someone interested in skincare, I should point out that this is not great for your skin. Specifically the lemon.

Not only is this extremely demeaning to the women on the receiving end of this. But, it also suggests that the outdated and racist perspective of beauty within the rishta culture trumps everything and of course, that marriage is everything. Thank you colonizers for the strong influence of white skin and English that you have left in our region.

“Tall, Slim, Trim!”

A quote from the one and only… Sima Taparia. Women in our society are expected to resemble porcelain vases, and the rishta culture builds up on that. If you don’t have the face of a white girl and the body of a VS Model, chances are you’re screwed. Of course, our system does work hard to ensure that men are not tricked into marrying short or fat women. Therefore, women are often asked to stand up without shoes on, preferably on a weighing scale. (based on a true story)

Doctor Bahu.

“Larki IBA se honi chahiye. But Job wali Nahe!”

Thankyou for honoring my university. I am glad the purpose of my degree in Economics is to supply what your son demands.

This might be one of the most common but problematic phrases used in the rishta culture. After 5 years of medical school, in addition to difficult entrance exams, women are expected to drop their degree and live at home. I’m not sure why there’s a need for doctor bahu’s in our society. Are people proud of the fact that they have an MB-BS sitting at home? Or is it the title they fancy? What’s the point of someone working so hard to gain an education when they are not allowed to practice it? It’s acceptable if someone chooses not to work, but it is a problem when forced not to.

Of course, all of this goes without saying that there are people out there who have good experiences with the system in place – where neither sides indulge in offensive behaviour, and a fruitful relationship results. This article does not focus on that, but rather sheds light on the many experiences of women who have felt and experienced otherwise.

However, it is my personal belief that this culture hurts the potential bride than any other people involved. Therefore, it should not be practised. Here’s to hoping women are treated better here one day.

Thank you for reading!