But you’re so confident! How can you have anxiety?

Before I begin, let me tell you I am no expert. The following article is written based on my personal experiences. Therefore, the opinions presented in this article should be taken with a grain of salt. Every individual has their own set of reasons that cause triggering reactions. Therefore, to understand anxiety better or to receive help regarding anxiety, please refer to a professional psychologist or therapist.

The facade

TV shows and movies have misconstructed the idea of anxiety into something “special” and “extraordinary”. Trust me, it’s not. In fact, sometimes it angers me to see how symptoms of anxiety are used to glamorize an unrealistically smart character. All anxiety has ever given me is forgetfulness, lack of focus, lack of appetite, insomnia, struggle to perform bare minimal tasks, difficulty in maintaining relationships, and very bad mood swings.

Understanding my own anxiety

Now coming to the title. I come off as someone who’s very confident. Therefore, when I open up to people regarding my anxiety, it comes off as a shock to them. I feel a range of feelings paralyzing me based on any given situation. For me, it’s a whole spectrum. Anxiety doesn’t necessarily give you a low, sometimes it gives you a high. When you’re so high, so confident, so powerful, it’s scary to the other person, some might even admire you.

But it’s not a good high. It’s so high that you look down on people around you. I often feel bad how I spoke to someone because I felt superior at that moment. It gave me pleasure to belittle them, even if it wasn’t deliberate. When reality hits, I would go and apologize or make up for it in some other way. If it was a stranger or someone I cannot possibly approach again, I would stay up all night cursing myself for the way that I behaved.

But then comes the low phase, without any warning, from the high. Suddenly you get a splash of negative emotions thrown at your existence; “am I good enough?” “do they hate me?” “is my existence a burden?” “Why am I talking? I am stupid. Keep your mouth shut” “I wish I was invisible. I wish no one could see me.” “I want to hide”.

The highs are noticeable because most people witness you being on your high, frank, happy, on top of the world mood. However, in the lows, you tend to isolate yourself so only people closest to you are able to detect that change. Maybe, sometimes not even them, because eventually, you become good at hiding it.

It doesn’t have to be like this always,

For the most part of my life, I thought it was normal. However, upon growing up, after interacting with a lot of warm and kind people, I began to realize I have a lot of problematic behaviors. Consequently, I began to worry about how to correct them; how to force myself to act opposite of my negative instincts?
The first step is to acknowledge it and then the next is to teach yourself not to listen to your own brain. You must challenge the creeping thought with all your might. While it may be easier said than done, one should be grateful that it can be done.

The human brain is so interesting..imagine it named itself. At this very moment, it is telling me to write what I want to write to you, and it itself is asking me to rebel against it? Who does that? Sometimes when I tell someone to take control of their head and not let it take them on a downward spiral, I often laugh to myself because well, my own head gave me that advice.
What a maze, the human brain is a crazy, cracked Lil fellow. It blows my mind, but wait it is my mind. Ok, I should stop now before I give you a brain hemorrhage with my writing.